Holiday Etiquette Conundrum

Dear Carolyn,

I'm writing to you with a concern that's been brewing in my mind for years, and I'd appreciate your insightful perspective on it. As some of your readers might know, I've always had the pleasure of spending holidays at my partner's sibling's home. The gathering has become an annual tradition, and I cherish the time spent with loved ones.

However, there's a peculiar dynamic that's started to irk me in recent years. During the holiday meal, which is typically filled with laughter and good company, I've noticed a disturbing trend. As soon as dessert is served, the men seem to relax and disperse, leaving the women to handle the cleanup. I'm not talking about just clearing the table or washing dishes; it's more like they're intentionally absolving themselves of any household responsibilities.

When I pointed this out to my partner, he downplayed the issue, saying that it's simply a matter of family tradition and that everyone pitches in during other times of the year. But I'm not convinced. It feels like a subtle (or not-so-subtle) expectation that women will take care of all the domestic duties.

My question for you, Carolyn, is whether this behavior constitutes a form of sexism or just good old-fashioned laziness? Should I confront my partner about this issue, and if so, how should I approach the conversation?

Sincerely, Holiday Hostess

Carolyn's Response

Dear Holiday Hostess,

I appreciate your candor in sharing this frustrating experience with me. It's completely understandable that you'd want to address this issue, especially since it's becoming a pattern.

Firstly, let's acknowledge that the dynamics you've observed are indeed problematic and often reflect broader societal attitudes toward women's roles in the home. While it's possible that your partner's sibling might genuinely believe they're contributing equally, research suggests that men tend to do less household work than women, even when they're not directly responsible for childcare or other domestic duties.

Rather than simply telling you what to say or do, I'd like to explore some possible reasons behind this behavior. It's essential to consider the complexities of family dynamics and how they might be influencing your partner's sibling's actions.

One possibility is that your partner's sibling has been socialized to believe that men are more capable of handling physical labor and that women will take care of domestic duties without question. This mindset can stem from various sources, including cultural norms, family expectations, or even internal biases.

It's also worth considering the fact that men often receive different signals about their responsibilities within the home. They might be encouraged to participate in discussions about household management but not necessarily expected to follow through with actual tasks.

So, what should you do? I recommend having an open and empathetic conversation with your partner about this issue. Here's a suggested approach:

1. Choose the right time and place: Find a private setting where you both feel comfortable and won't be interrupted.
2. Express your feelings and concerns: Share how you've noticed the imbalance in household responsibilities during the holiday meal, using "I" statements to describe your experiences.
3. Avoid blame or accusations: Refrain from making your partner's sibling directly responsible for this behavior. Instead, focus on the pattern itself and how it affects you.
4. Explore possible explanations together: Discuss your observations and research findings, and explore potential reasons behind your partner's sibling's actions.

Here's an example of how you could approach the conversation:

"Hey [partner's name], I wanted to talk to you about something that's been bothering me lately. During our family gatherings, I've noticed that after the meal, the men seem to leave while the women clean up. It feels like a pattern, and it makes me feel frustrated. Have you ever thought about why this might be happening? Is there anything we can do to change it?"

By approaching the conversation in a non-confrontational manner, you can work together with your partner to address the issue and potentially create a more inclusive and equitable dynamic within the family.

Lastly, consider acknowledging that this behavior is not unique to your family or even your partner's sibling. Many people struggle with similar issues, and it's essential to recognize that small changes can add up over time.

Keep in mind that changing habits takes time and effort from everyone involved. Be patient, stay open-minded, and celebrate the progress you make together.

Sincerely, Carolyn