Column | Husband’s new car obsession burns their couple time. Hax readers give advice. - The Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: A 20-Year Relationship with a Complicated Twist

In this week's reader-submitted questions, one couple's decades-long relationship raises some complicated issues. We asked readers to weigh in on the situation and offer their advice.

The Situation

The writer (not her real name) has been dating her current husband for nearly 20 years. However, she recently discovered that her husband had a secret family with another woman from his past. This revelation has left her feeling shocked, hurt, and unsure of how to proceed.

"I feel like I've been living my life according to someone else's plan," the writer says. "I don't know if I can ever see him in the same way again."

Reader Responses

Here are some of the best responses from readers who offer their advice on this complicated situation:

Reader 1: Trust is Key

"While it's understandable that you're hurt and feeling betrayed, trust must be earned back," says reader Rachel. "It sounds like your husband has been keeping secrets from you for years, which is a huge red flag. However, if he's willing to work on rebuilding trust with you, I say give him a chance."

Reader 2: Communication is Crucial

"I would advise the writer to have an open and honest conversation with her husband about what happened," says reader John. "It's essential to understand each other's perspectives and feelings before making any decisions. Perhaps there's more to the story than we know, or maybe this is a sign of deeper issues in their relationship."

Reader 3: Self-Reflection is Essential

"Before making any decisions, I would encourage the writer to take some time for self-reflection," says reader Emily. "Ask yourself what you want from your marriage and if staying with someone who has betrayed your trust is truly what you need. It's not about the husband; it's about what you deserve in a relationship."

Reader 4: The Past Doesn't Define You

"The writer needs to remember that her husband's past mistakes don't define her as a person," says reader David. "She deserves better than someone who would keep secrets from her for so long. However, if she chooses to stay with him, it's essential to set clear boundaries and expectations for the future."

Reader 5: Sometimes You Have to Walk Away

"Sometimes, staying in a relationship that's no longer healthy or fulfilling is not the best decision," says reader Sarah. "The writer needs to consider whether this relationship has become toxic or if she's just holding on out of habit or guilt. It might be time for her to move on and find someone who truly loves and respects her."

Carolyn Hax's Advice

Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist behind Dear Carolyn, weighs in on the situation:

"Dear writer,

Twenty years is a long time to be in a relationship. And it sounds like you've been through a lot with your husband. However, what's most surprising is that he didn't tell you about his secret family sooner.

While I can understand why you're hurt and feeling betrayed, trust must be earned back. If your husband is willing to work on rebuilding trust with you, I say give him a chance. But if he's not willing to be transparent about his past, it might be time for you to reevaluate the relationship.

Ask yourself what you want from your marriage. Do you want to stay in a relationship that's been marked by secrecy and dishonesty? Or do you deserve better?

Take some time to reflect on your feelings and priorities. And if you need help navigating this difficult situation, consider seeking out counseling or therapy.

Sincerely, Carolyn Hax"

Conclusion

This reader-submitted question raises complex issues about trust, communication, and self-reflection in a long-term relationship. While there's no one-size-fits-all solution to this problem, the responses from readers offer valuable insights and advice for navigating similar situations. Ultimately, it's up to each individual to decide what they want from their marriage and whether staying with someone who has betrayed their trust is truly what they need.